Sunday, May 30, 2010

World Cup Predictions: Group C

It's time for more soccer prognostication, and it's time to look at Group C, which includes our boys in red, white, and blue, the other boys in red, white, and blue (England), Algeria and Slovenia.

If you can find Algeria and Slovenia on a world map in less than five minutes, then you might be asked to teach geography in an American high school in the near future. If you can name one player from either of these countries, then you need to move out of your parents' basement.

This group is all about USA v. England on Saturday, June 12. People are worried about the US's ability to score goals, but this game will depend on our defense. We've got to pack it in, shut down Rooney, Crouch, and/or Defoe, and then spring Donovan, Dempsey, and maybe Findlay on the counter, hoping for a break down in the English defense. I say take it right at John Terry the Adulterer. Depending on the officiating, he's vulnerable to giving up penalties.

Now that I have just read the previous paragraph, I realize that I need to get out of the basement, too.

Friday, May 21, 2010

More World Cup Predictions: Group B

Today, we shift our attention to Group B. The favorite in this group is Argentina. Argentina has perhaps the best player in the world, Leonel Messi, and maybe the hardest working working striker in the world, Carlos Tevez. So Argentina could go far.

But then again, their coach, Diego Maradonna, is a drug addict and certified nut job.

If you are wondering who else is in Group B, it doesn't matter. They have no chance to win the Cup.

Monday, May 17, 2010

World Cup Predictions: Group A

Today, I begin a new series on True Stories: World Cup Predictions. The World Cup begins in just a few short weeks, and you will want to read my in-depth analysis before placing any wagers on which nation will win the cup.

And now, my analysis of Group A:

South Africa: I like their colors, but the hosts have no chance.

Mexico: our friends to the south have no chance.

Uruguay: is very hard for Anglos to pronounce and they have no chance.

France: the 2006 runners-up have no chance.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Rock N Roll, Ya Pukes

As a service to those of you who might be aspiring musicians, I have compiled a list of potential band names. I am willing to sell each name for $5.

  • Suspicious Package
  • Hostile Workplace
  • Leather Upper
  • Continuously Variable Transmission (or CVT)
  • Onside Kick
  • Whole Nother
  • The Bat Rastards
  • Pulled Pork
  • Torque Converter
  • Flush
  • Exit Strategy
  • The Darn Tooters
  • Pooch
  • Dry Runs
  • Top Dead Center (or TDC)
  • The Chocolate Lab Coats
  • Li'l Croutons
  • B.B. and Q.
  • Shipping and Handling
  • The Invisible Solids
  • Vine Ripened
  • Abacus
  • Thalamus
  • The Muscle Tones
Good night everybody and drive carefully!

Thursday, May 6, 2010

How to Have the Best Mother's Day Ever!

Mother's day is this Sunday, and I'm sure many readers are wondering, "How we can we make the day perfect for the Mother in our house?" Well, don't worry because Dr. Dan has got you covered.

Here are three sure-fire ways to show Mother what you think of her:

1. Bring out the Birthing Videos. Nothing brings the family together like watching Mom pop out the little ones! It's educational and emotional. And Mom will love it.

2. Don't forget the Mother-in-Law. One good Mother deserves another on Mother's Day, so bring 'em together--for several hours. Note: some alcoholic beverages required, so plan ahead.

3. Let Mom do the cooking. After all, she's the best the cook in house, and what makes her happier than taking care of her family? Enough said.

Happy Mother's Day everyone!

Sunday, May 2, 2010


This thought keeps coming back to me:

A blessing is also a test.