Sunday, March 29, 2009

Dr. Dan's Little Book of Bacon

Dr. Dan’s Little Book of Bacon

(Dr. Dan says, Everything’s better with bacon!)

• A Message from the Bacon Advocacy Council of North America (BACONA).
• A Comprehensive List of Foods and Prepared Dishes that Taste Better with Bacon.
• The Bacon-Sausage Dialectic: Towards a Hermaneutical Solution.
• Bacon-enriched Recipes for the Whole Family!
• Verses on Bacon:
1. BLT
2. That salty Smell my stomach knows
3. O bacon, My bacon!

A Message from the BACONA: Legalize Medicinal Bacon!
The FDA, under pressure from anti-pork organizations and major drug companies, is covering up information from a series of scientific studies that shows bacon is an effective treatment for depression, anxiety, E.D., and the munchies that result from taking medicinal marijuana. In fact, these suppressed studies prove, once and for all, that no person has ever eaten a slice of bacon and then said, “I feel worse.”
The Porkists, those who discriminate against bacon and all tasty cured meats, are part of a larger conglomeration of tyrannical foodinistas whose agenda is to remove all taste and satisfaction from the American dinner table. These people don’t want you to know that bacon is good for you and good for what ails you. The Porkists claim you’ll live longer without Bacon. But what is life without bacon?—a bunch of irritable, skinny, old people watching the globe get warmer.

A Comprehensive List of Foods that Taste Better with Bacon
1. Everything (except cheesecake because cheesecake is disgusting and adding bacon to it would be a colossal waste of food).

The Bacon-Sausage Dialectic: Towards a Hermaneutical Solution
My friend Herman, Herman Eutical, likes bacon and sausage. He is a big fan of the Grand Slam Breakfast at Denny’s, which gives you two slices of bacon and two links of sausage. I support the Herman Eutical solution.

Bacon-enriched Recipes for the Whole Family
1. Make a sandwich. Add bacon.
2. Make a salad. Add bacon.
3. Make a baked potato with all the fixins. Add bacon.

Verses on Bacon
Three crispy slices
Of Bacon

Hide deliciously on the
Sliced tomato and chopped lettuce

Between the two toasted slices
Of sourdough bread.

That salty smell my stomach knows

That salty smell my stomach knows
Is coming from the kitchen below.
Oh Cook! Do you cook for me?
Call me and I’ll break my Fast with Thee!

There’s fat back a-frying—I reckon
I’m a-waiting for you to beckon.
My hunger---don’t frustrate---must I beg?
Please, Sir, say “Come and get it.”

O Bacon, My Bacon!

Lines composed 8:05 AM, 9/18/089
I hear bacon a sizzlin’.
Everything is better with bacon.
And bacon makes everything better.
And everybody loves bacon—even people who don’t eat pork.
A single slice of bacon makes even the pig proud.

I will eat bacon with the teamster, who makes union wages.
I will eat bacon with the man who pretends to be homeless and holds his sign on the street corner.
I will eat bacon with the vegetarian who sneaks pieces of the delicious pork off my plate.
I will eat bacon with George W. in the White House,
And I will eat bacon with a community organized by Barack Obama.

Lines added for 2nd Edition: 9:15 AM, 9/18/08
I eat with the male and the female.
Their bacon is the same to me.
My bacon will be cured, though there is nothing wrong with it.
And I will be cured, and you will be cured… because of the curative powers of cured meats.

Lines added for 3rd Edition: 2:30 PM, 9/18/08
I am the poet of the bratwurst and the chorizo…even Canadian bacon.
My fat back will sustain me,
And I will sustain you.
And you will sustain me.
And bacon will be our breadth and on our breath.
You will taste my hot link, and find it spicy.
I’ll try your sweet andouille, and maybe we’ll share a Hebrew National.

Lines added for midnight snack edition: 11:30 PM, 9/18/08
O bacon, my bacon!
The night is long without my bacon.
My heart beats for bacon.
O nature bid the sun to come, so I may get some breakfast at the diner around the corner.
Bacon is my life and your life, too.
O bacon, our bacon.

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